My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
