me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
