I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
