and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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