I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
