i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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