Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
