3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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