So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
