She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Holy shit dude........stairs
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