24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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