John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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