Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
