you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
