Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
