Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
