I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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