I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
