That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
