And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The beers last night were like the tears from god
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
