So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
