I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
