I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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