Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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