look no pants
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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