I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
