I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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