The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
