We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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