If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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