dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
