i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
