The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
