Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
