I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
