Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
