Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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