just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
