hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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