my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
