I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
