I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
