I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
