Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
