dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
