I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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