By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
