Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
