New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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