It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
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My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
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Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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