i think i have two assholes
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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