i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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