My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
