I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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