Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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