Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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