You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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