Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
