Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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