I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
