Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
